2012 Grand Review: Taking Stock and Slapping on Labels

2012 was a year of redefinition. I went on a quest to more clearly define my position in life in every area.

"Labels" are paradoxical in a way that I can't quite decide which side I want to land on:

 love them because they help define?
 or hate them because they box-in and divide?

Determinedly remaining unlabeled feels fun and rebellious to me, yet clearly labeling seems purposeful and brave. I'm not even sure the purpose for this driving desire to define. Maybe it's my age or season of life. Or, it could be that in January I prayed this prayer:

"Lord, make my spirit restless whenever I think that the ways things are is the way things have to be."

This turned out to be a quickly answered prayer in the affirmative, because "restless" seems to be a defining word for my spirit this year. I began to look at life from a different angle and started questioning many long held beliefs and understandings. With no sense of purpose, but only driven by my gut, I started a quest to tighten my political views and have gone through something like a political soul-searching, which then led to a flurry of theological questioning, which led to a full on faith crisis, filled with emotion and gut-wrenching doubt.

With all the questioning, which essentially had its basis in labels, I was debris blowing in the wind. I felt like labels would ground me. I would regrow roots and become a planted, thriving, living thing again.

Eventually, somehow, the landing happened and I feel more settled and okay with the ambiguity of how I label myself. Life is not as black and white as we want it to be, and I don't want to force myself to fit into an uncomfortable box. Years ago, I discovered this book, "A Generous Orthodoxy" by Brian McLaren. The cover sold me before I even read the description or knew anything about the author--it had the longest subtitle I'd ever seen and I now claim it as my official label:

I am a "missional + evangelical + post/protestant + liberal/conservative + mystical/poetic + biblical + charismatic/contemplative + fundamentalist/calvanist + anabaptist/anglican + methodist + catholic + green + incarnational + depressed-yet-hopeful + emergent + unfinished CHRISTIAN.

Maybe, the bigger label the better?

Hope in the Sorrowful Swamp

Life's ebbs and flows of sorrow and joy come in and out for me pretty smoothly, normally. Yet this year has felt sorrowfully swampy. Like a shallow pool of muddy water has seeped in and won't wash away and it's clouding even the best moments.  I've been waiting for a natural draining to take place, for the moon to cycle around, and gravity's force to pull the tide out, and with it, the murky water. But still it stays. Last night I felt a complete loss as to what to do about it; I wanted something to do to push away this rotten water for good.

Today, when each piece from the few blogs I regularly read seemed to speak so directly and specifically to me, I felt a jolt of hope that the swamp won't remain forever. I'm posting my two favorites here to keep for my own future reminders, and to share, because they are fabulous.

1. In Which I Simply Get to Work by Sarah Bessey. This was my "something to do"! And who would ever think it--chores! Chores to the rescue! This post resonated so deeply in my soul, I almost didn't want to share it. But that felt selfishly silly.

"I bring order to my soul with the ordinary work, the ordinary love, the ordinary beauty of the every day life, and funny as it may be, it's where I find that space of pause, the shut off switch for my never-ending-inner-monologue that so irritates me..."

2. The Unintended Double-Edged Sword by Seth Haines. This post, in such a succinct way, pieced together parts of a theological puzzle I had been stuck on for a long time. I felt something important click together for me as I was reading this.

"A word of caution to the would be story tellers: prosperity does not necessarily implicate providence, nor does it always bring comfort. Sometimes, the providence is in the pain."

How long must I take counsel in my soul

and have sorrow in my heart all the day?...

But I have trusted in Your mercy,

My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation

I will sing to the Lord

for He has dealt bountifully with me.

Psalm 13:2, 5-6

Read away and ponder with me...